Coming to Terms with Thirty

            On August 8^th I turned the big 3-0, and boy was it a day.  Through my years getting older I never took issue with a specific age, I was just a year older.  Even turning 21 wasn’t a crazy all out bash; it was just another year older.  So I anticipated that turning 30 would be the same.  I couldn’t have been more wrong.

            About a week leading up to my 30^th birthday reality started to set in, I started questioning where I was at in my life.  What did I have to show for myself?  Although I usually know better, I began comparing myself to other friends who just turned 30; some have kids and families already others are well along in a successful career.  I have accomplished none of those things.  As of yet we are still unable to have children (that’s another story in itself) and I am switching my college major so I’m no closer to an amazing career.  So what do I have?  I’m a housewife with a broken car so I can’t go anywhere.

            My actual birthday went along very smoothly, without any major incident.  My husband had to work so I relaxed that day.  Then later that evening we went out for a lovely dinner and dessert and spent the rest of the night relaxing watching a movie; very low key.

            So now it is the 10^th, two days later and I have to laugh at the stress I put on myself.  No, I don’t have kids but it’s not like I’m 80 and missed my chance.  There is still a chance but if it doesn’t happen, we’ll have more money to travel in our later days.  Although I don’t have kids, I still have a family (husband, parents, sister, etc.) that I would do anything for and vice versa.  I got my panties in a bunch over not having a fancy career, and looking back all I can do is laugh at myself.  I have the privilege of being a housewife and a student instead of being forced to work a dead end job and stress about moving forward In my life.

            So all in all I got all worked up for nothing.  The day passed without incident and all I can do now is laugh at how ridiculous I am.  I need to stop taking life so seriously and let go of my anxiety, just breathe, and enjoy life while it’s happening.

Taking the first step

So this is my first post and I’m so new to this. I’ve been wanting to blog for some time now but haven’t had the courage to do so or I just worried that I had nothing to say. Then I thought to myself, “Blogging isn’t about what others think of you or your posts, it’s about letting yourself go and putting yourself out there and doing it for you. So that’s what I’m doing. I’m taking the first step into the blogging world. I’ll admit that it is scary, but I’m starting off slow and simple.

I think I’ll start off with a little info about myself, in case anyone actually reads this, it will make more sense. I had a normal middle class upbringing and am very close to my family and a few friends. I was married almost 3 years ago to the absolute love of my life. It has been the best decision I’ve ever made. In a very short period of time (2 weeks) I moved, got married (it was a very small Justice of the Peace ceremony), and started a new job. Things went well at first but after about 6 months I started getting very irritable and over emotional. Luckily I was able to quit work and become a housewife. Things got better but there was still something wrong or missing.

Then my husband had to deploy to Afghanistan for a year and that is when things went severely downhill. I shut everyone out; I became almost agoraphobic in the way I feared leaving my house because something bad was going to happen. I was over emotional still and I would get stressed at the drop of a dime. I tried to take classes for medical coding and billing but I couldn’t focus on it. I chalked everything up to the fact that Kasey, my husband, was gone.

After Kasey returned, things eased up for me a little bit but my fears and behavior never fully bounced back. So finally after the year of deployment and another 4 months, I made an appointment to see a behavioral health specialist. Backtrack – the tipping point was that the Army was trying to send my husband to Japan for a year and a half alone after only being home for 6 months. So come to find out I have severe anxiety and especially social anxiety (finally it was diagnosed and it wasn’t just me feeling like a weirdo), depression, Cyclothymia (which is a mild form of bipolar disorder), and a slight issue with agoraphobia. Whew! It seems like a lot, but it’s now more manageable (for the most part) but with it comes finding humor in things to lessen the strain.

In addition to all of that, I have polycystic ovarian syndrome. It makes it very difficult to conceive. I’m almost 30 and one of the things that my husband and I want most is to have a baby and a family of more than just the two of us. Will it happen for us? I don’t know. We’ll continue to try, but if it doesn’t happen then it just wasn’t meant to be. We are getting more used to the idea of not having children and just having more freedom to travel and enjoy each other’s company. In the meantime, I am taking classes for a Bachelor’s degree in Accounting with the University of Phoenix. And that Is where we are today.

So this wasn’t the shortest or lightest post ever, but I felt it was important to have some backstory. In order to understand someone you have to know a little about them. So that’s a little about me and I’m sure there will be more to come, some serious post and some lighter ones. Some will come when I’m overwhelmed or light-hearted. So there you have it, I’m a housewife with no children but a list of mental strains.